


Everybody Hates Slit

by redcandle17



Category: Mad Max Series (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Crack, F/M, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-20
Updated: 2015-06-20
Packaged: 2018-04-05 06:00:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,716
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4168620
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/redcandle17/pseuds/redcandle17
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>Slit retroactively counted the day Nux met Capable as the worst day of his life.</i>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	Everybody Hates Slit

Slit retroactively counted the day Nux met Capable as the worst day of his life. They’d run into each other three times on the same day, and while the first two encounters had been less than ideal, the third encounter had led to them hooking up. They were insufferable. Slit hated them. Well, he didn’t hate Nux, and Capable was alright on her own, but Nux-and-Capable was insufferable. 

It wasn’t like they were one of the those couples who were always making out either. They just tended to sit snuggled up against each other. Slit hated it. Insensitive assholes. Didn’t they realize how seeing them made everybody else feel? Slit hated how lonely they made him feel. 

One could argue, though, that Nux becoming Nux-and-Capable had some benefits. Capable had three sisters (well, four, but the oldest had gone away to grad school across the country) who were all as model-esque gorgeous as she was. They weren’t really sisters. They were just a bunch of girls who’d been adopted together in some big scandal. There was an actual court order against people trying to find out about their past and everything.

When Nux had first started dating Capable, Slit had thought it would be a good thing for him too. He’d bugged Nux until his buddy agreed to hook him up with one of his new girlfriend’s girl friends. It hadn’t gone well. 

Cheedo was the youngest of the sisters. She was gorgeous, as they all were, but she looked kinda young. Like, young enough to get his ass hauled away to jail. She didn’t act any older than she looked either. She seemed shy and nervous to be on a date with him, and Slit hadn’t dared try anything. She was just too fragile for him. 

A few months after that Slit had gone to the old-fashioned drive-in movie theater the next town over with Nux-and-Capable with Toast as his date. Her hair had been freshly shorn and Slit had awkwardly congratulated her on coming out.

“I’m not a lesbian,” she’d said.

But. He’d been so confused. “Then why did you cut your hair so short?”

“It’s a style I’m trying out,” she’d answered icily.

They hadn’t spoken to each other for the next two hours. 

But the worst was his date with the Dag. He wasn’t even sure that her name really was “Dag” since her sisters always referred to her as “THE Dag” and they had Nux doing it as well. She’d always struck him as the kind of crazy chick who’d want to drip burning hot candle wax on you, but she didn’t once talk to him during their double date with Nux-and-Capable. She’d talked about him to Capable, and even to Nux, but she hadn’t actually spoken a word to him and he didn’t think she’d even looked at him.

Until they were on the doorsteps of her house. While Nux-and-Capable kissed like their lives depended on sucking air from each other’s lungs, the Dag reached out and grabbed his dick. Slit had been so startled by the sudden and unexpected action, he didn’t even think to enjoy it. “The fuck?!” he’d exclaimed. 

The Dag had just laughed her strange laugh and gone inside the house, still not having said a word to him that night. 

So Slit was understandably reluctant to accept when Nux invited him to movie night at the girls’ house. But Nux had offered a bribe. “I’ll let you drive us there,” he’d said.

How could Slit say no to that? His hands were practically itching to hold a steering wheel again. It’d been six months since his license was suspended and, more importantly, since he wasn’t above driving with a suspended license, his car had been wrecked. 

But now that he was here sitting in the girls’ living room, the rush of driving rapidly becoming a mere memory, Slit was already regretting it. Two hours of sitting through some chick flick while Nux-and-Capable cuddled and three hot girls ignored him. 

Cheedo was browsing through her Netflix queue, scrolling past one vomit-inducing romantic comedy after another. 

“Stop teasing Slit,” Capable called to her sister. 

Cheedo, Toast, and the Dag all laughed, and Cheedo selected some low-budget monster movie instead. _Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus_. The evening was beginning to look up. Slit cautiously settled himself more comfortably in his lonely armchair and sipped his beer. 

It was going well. Listening to the sisters offer snarky commentary on the movie was… nice. He was having a good time until, having just seen a shark leap out of the ocean to devour a passing airliner, he turned to ask Nux if he could believe it. Nux was no longer on the sofa or even in the room. Neither was Capable. They’d probably snuck away to screw. Bastards. 

Slit’s evening was ruined. He couldn’t enjoy himself anymore. 

Then the sisters seemed to notice his distress and stopped paying attention to the movie. “Come sit here with us,” Toast said. She and the other two were occupying the second sofa.

Slit chose instead to go stretch out on the sofa Nux-and-Capable had vacated. Maybe he could have a nap so he was well rested for when he kicked Nux’s ass later tonight. But no sooner had he closed his eyes, he felt movement and opened them to see the sisters surrounding him. 

The Dag perched on the arm of the sofa and began lightly scratching his shaven scalp with her long fingernails. Toast straddled his lap. Cheedo was sitting on the floor and had grabbed one of his hands and was pressing her palm against his, comparing the difference in size or something. 

“How about it, War Boy?” the Dag breathed into his ear, using the name he’d had painted onto his now destroyed car. He and Nux were both vets. They’d been battle buddies since basic and it had seemed natural to keep sticking together even after they got out. 

“Think you’re man enough for all three of us?” Toast challenged. 

Slit had never gotten so hard so fast, undoubtedly helped along by Toast grinding on him. 

Toast slid back to sit on his thighs while she unzipped his pants and tugged down his boxer-briefs. 

“Not bad,” the Dag acknowledged, at the sight of his dick. 

“I knew he’d have piercings there too!” Cheedo exclaimed. 

“Just the one,” Slit protested. She made it sound like he was some kind of freak. 

She touched the barbell decorating the head of his dick, fingers stroking him in the process. Slit really hoped she was eighteen. 

Then Toast was putting a condom on him and The Dag was leaning to give him an upside down kiss. 

But it wasn’t quite as great as Slit had thought it would be. When he suggested the girls do some girl-on-girl stuff, the Dag slapped him upside the head and Toast snapped, “We’re _sisters_ , you disgusting pervert.” 

They wouldn’t let him come until all three of them had finished either. And afterwards, when he was lying there contentedly tired and ready to cuddle, they all wandered away like he was a toy whose novelty had worn off. Slit felt _used_. 

Not that he would ever admit it. He fought off the urge to sleep and instead went to clean up in the guest bathroom… and blast a text to all his boys, bragging about the foursome he’d just had. Fucking Morsov texted back calling him a liar and telling him to stick to more plausible lies. 

When he got back to the living room, he almost died of pure terror. Officer Rockatansky was home. Fuck, did the sisters know their father would be home soon when they’d been triple-teaming him on the couch?! 

Officer Rockatansky only grunted at him though. Most fathers wouldn’t want their daughters hanging out with guys who looked like him and Nux. Hell, soccer moms crossed the street to avoid walking near Slit. But Officer Rockatansky and his trucker wife didn’t seem to mind Capable dating Nux. That scared Slit more than if they’d tried to run Nux and him off; it meant they were utterly confident in their ability to “take care of” them if they had to. 

Slit was thinking about walking home when Nux-and-Capable finally reappeared. They didn’t look the least bit embarrassed or ashamed either. Capable kissed her father’s cheek like nothing was wrong. 

“Max,” Nux enthused. “I can’t wait to go fishing with you next week.”

Slit frowned. No one had said anything to him about a fishing trip. 

Officer Rockatansky patted Nux’s head briefly, and wandered off in the direction of the kitchen. Slit barely managed to keep his jaw from dropping. 

It wasn’t until he and Nux were halfway back to their apartment - Nux was driving - that Slit managed to speak. “You’re not joining the Brady Bunch!”

“Huh?” Nux glanced over at him. “You didn’t take any mushrooms from the Dag, did you? Should have warned you…”

“You want to marry her and be her dad’s son and her sisters’ brother...and WHERE DOES THAT LEAVE ME?!” Slit realized he’d grabbed the front of Nux’s jacket. He let go and sat back in his seat.

“Capable and I haven’t even talked about getting married yet,” Nux said. His voice went slightly dreamy. “You’d be my best man, of course. And I could set you up on more dates with her sisters and you can try again to see if you can get one of them to like you.”

Slit already knew which one he wanted to like him. “I’m Cousin Oliver,” he groaned. “Everybody hates me.”

“Cousin Oliver?” Nux looked at him for an explanation.

Slit didn’t want to talk about the one foster mother he’d had who’d only ever let him watch old sitcoms. He turned away from Nux and stared out the window. He knew he was sulking and grown men didn’t sulk. 

He heard a buzz. Not his phone. Nux’s stupid text notification tone. 

“Capable wants to know if you’re coming to movie night next week,” Nux reported. “Her sisters said they liked hanging out with you.” 

He wanted to tell Nux to invite Morsov or somebody instead, but he couldn’t bring himself to do it. “Yeah,” he grumbled reluctantly. “I’ll be there.”

**Author's Note:**

> I don't even know where this came from.


End file.
